My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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