Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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