You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
