i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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