She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
