When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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