Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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