I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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