The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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