He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Randomize
