i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
