He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Randomize
