I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Too much gin, very little bucket
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
