im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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