Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
