You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
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