I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
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