nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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