1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
You're like the curious george of whores
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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