Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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