There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
