The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
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