Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
