Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
