I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
