Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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