i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
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i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
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I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I have tasted many bathrooms
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