we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Randomize
