awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
