Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
