I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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