the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
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I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
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'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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