A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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