She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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