My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Randomize
