Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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