I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
