Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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