We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
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If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
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So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
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