I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
