Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Randomize
