She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Randomize
