i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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