I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
