why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
