you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
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