idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
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