omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
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