I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
