So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
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I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
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