She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
