my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
