Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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