i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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