just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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