bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize