a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
