Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
