dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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