I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
My dick has a subreddit
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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