I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
